You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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