I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
