Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
