It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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