I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dick has a subreddit
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
