I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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