just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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