everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
