My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
