Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
