why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
