to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
