Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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