Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
