Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
