I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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