I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
