Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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