I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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