Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
