btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
