life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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