I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
