I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
