Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
