His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
