I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
