my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
