Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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