OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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