i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
