just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
