Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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