I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
