Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
