I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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