i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
