how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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