Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
