Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
