If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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