meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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