Don't make out with my wife yet
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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