OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
