I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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