it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
