I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
