Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
