My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I puked a lego.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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