someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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